It seems like everybody is on the internet all the time nowadays. Website owners are often plagued with visitors - yes, that’s right visitors. Some of these lost souls even revisit.

If you have problems with unwanted traffic here are some kickass ways to send a message - Keep Off The Website!!!!  I work on my website all the time now, and I can guarantee I have very few visitors. Oh yeah, so now you want to know how I accomplished it? It wasn’t easy at first. I struggled with the whole “Why me?” thing - felt like every geek with a problem was bugging me. But I paid my dues and got knowledge the hard way. I earned it. I have experimented with ways to keep visitors off of my site for a long time and this is what I found out - it is possible, you just have to get serious with what you have learned.

I should sell this list of tried and true methods but I do not want people bugging me on my site about it - so here’s the list of guaranteed ways to keep traffic down and deflect the vast majority of visits.

1) Be Tough - The best way to do this is to disable your “Back” and “Return” Buttons - Sounds stupid? You gotta be hard. Let them feel really helpless and isolated.

2) Hit ‘Em Where They Live - To do this just put pop-ups all over your site, everywhere - large pop-ups that block everthing. Add some fake “Exit” or “Close” buttons so they realize they are screwed.

3) Keep ‘Em Worried - Just make sure any visitors will have to wait to get the needed extra software updates to view anything on your site - Shockwave, Flash,Deja Vu, etc.

4) Frustrate ‘Em At Every Turn - Try using dead links - and take it another step - let each link bring up another link before they finally getting to the last link, dead.

5) Ruin Their Day - Yes, you just make registration necessary to visit your site - and leave the form inoperable, but keep it so they have to fill out the very long form before they find out it is inoperable. Get my drift - Ha! Ha! Ha!

6) Bring Them Down Hard - Do ths by slowing down the load time for each pages. Use and undependable ISP if you can find one. Put a lot of crap on every page audio, video, Flash, MIDI.

7) Waste Their Time - No problem, put boring content and illegible texts everywhere - this makes visitors and search
robots completely disinterested.

8) Tell Them To Get Lost - Here’s a nasty trick, use bad navigation - make it difficult to read, hard to use, send them all the way around the bend (I knew you’d like this one - Tee! Hee!).

9) Hideout - Sure, you just hide your contact information or keep it hard to read and understand.

10) Bait Them - No problem, just display an inoperable site search tool prominently.

If you can’t keep visitors off of your site with these tips then I would probably close the site down.

Happiness - Not Always About You,
Arthur “Badboy” Browning